& log 003

Oct. 9th, 2009 12:08 am
igotsdakka: (きみが好きだよまだ愛しいよ)
[personal profile] igotsdakka
Characters: Meria, Ledah
Setting: Meria's room at the infirmary.
Content: Ledah decides that Meria is due for a bit of a talking-to.
Warnings: Probably profanity, and probably talk about wtf was that nearly-suicide thing from that other log.

Meria sat listlessly in bed, staring out the window with an open book in her hands. There wasn't anything really interesting to do here except watch the sky and sulk, one of which got old and the other of which wasn't conducive to recovering.

She couldn't do anything else. She'd talked to Ursula and knew that much--humiliating though it was, she'd just pushed herself too hard trying to take care of everything and everyone, and her body had given out for a while.

...Damn the gods for letting her be born like this.

Meria sighed, shifted--the sheets were getting uncomfortably hot where they touched her skin--and then turned towards the door as she heard it open.

Date: 2009-10-09 09:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com

Ledah hesitated for a moment before entering the room, but when Meria turned suddenly to look at him, he headed inside and closed the door behind him.

"...So you were awake. Good. ...I wanted to check on you."

Date: 2009-10-09 09:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com

Meria closed her eyes, straightened her posture, and took a deep breath. "Lungs are still working fine." She pressed two fingers to the side of her throat for a few moments, and shrugged. "Heart's still beating, too. What d'you know, looks like I'm still perfectly alive." She gave Ledah a half-grin at her own bad joke--a wider smile or a laugh would probably fall flat; she wasn't really in a festive mood.

Date: 2009-10-09 09:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
...Really, he had to wonder if she understood just how pathetic and lifeless she really looked. Even though she was conscious and sitting up, there were shadows like bruises under her eyes and she was sickly pale.

Ledah shook his head and pulled a chair over to her bedside.

"I'd prefer if you didn't laugh at yourself," he told her. "It's not something to be made fun of."

Date: 2009-10-09 09:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
"Oh, come on. If I can't laugh at me, then how the hell am I gonna handle it when everybody else does?" The words were supposed to be light, but they came out sour, and Meria grimaced. "...Sorry, that just sounded really self-pitying, didn't it? Gah."

She flopped back against the pillows, and went back to staring out the window.

Date: 2009-10-09 09:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com

Ledah was too annoyed even to be surprised with himself for openly sounding so sharp.

"Stop being facetious about this. You collapsed from overworking yourself, and if you can't take it seriously--there's nothing that will prevent you from doing the same or worse in the future. ...I was worried. Does that mean so little?"

Date: 2009-10-09 09:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
She sighed.

"...it doesn't. And I'm sorry for causing you trouble--I really am, damn it. You've got enough trouble managing most of the damn school for Ursula to have to worry about me, too. It's just not that big a deal. I'm--just weak."

Date: 2009-10-09 09:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
"You aren't."

The response was as automatic as his previous sharp tone had been; Ledah didn't even think to question the reasoning behind it.

Date: 2009-10-09 09:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
"I mean physically, Ledah, though I appreciate the thought." Meria shifted on the bed; her legs were starting to cramp up from being held straight for so many hours, and she needed to fold them. "It's the same as my not having wings--I was born with things wrong with my body, and there's not really anything I can do about it. This has happened before, and I've dealt with it. It's not a big deal."

Date: 2009-10-10 03:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com

Ledah shook his head.

"...It is a problem--if it's important enough to you to keep your facade that you endanger yourself."

Just what was she going through?--Ledah had no idea, no way of knowing, and that annoyed him.

"I at least--want you to talk to me. To allow me to support you, if nothing else."

Date: 2009-10-10 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
"Oh, come on. You've got more than enough on your plate for me to make it worse bitching to you all the time. Besides, I'm the one taking care of you, here."

Meria tried a smile again, but it too fell flat.

"If it gets all that bad, though, you'll definitely hear about it. Trust me on that one."

Date: 2009-10-10 02:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
"We need to align our definitions of 'all that bad', I believe," Ledah said with another sigh. "For instance, it seems to me to be serious when you're lying in this bed--or when you behave the way you did the other day."

Date: 2009-10-10 03:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
Meria shrugged. "...Honestly, I'm grateful that I burned myself out in a place with medics. I've done this once or twice on the battlefield--how I learned my limits were this bad to begin with--and the results weren't pretty, I can tell you that."

She glanced back at him briefly.

"And what do you mean, the other day?"

Date: 2009-10-10 03:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
"You're too reckless. You could kill yourself doing this." Ledah did not shift; he only stared straight at Meria, refusing to look away. "And that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about."

Date: 2009-10-10 03:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
"Wait, what? Huh? ...Are you going to start making sense, or are you just gonna keep glaring at me?" Meria stared back, refusing to be intimidated. "I'm not gonna let my body define who I am, and I sure don't remember putting a knife up to my wrist lately."

Date: 2009-10-10 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
"You may not be doing something so obvious, but every action you've taken lately seems geared at risking your life. From simple overwork to acting as though you'd step off the edge of the island on a whim--that's the only consistent point you've had lately."

Ledah's throat hurt from trying not to yell; emotion he rarely felt was difficult to fully suppress.

Date: 2009-10-11 06:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
"Hey, now. I told you, didn't I? I'm not going anywhere when I've got all of you lot to look after. And things are interesting here, anyway."

It amused her a little how concerned he was, but she found it a little touching too, in a strange way.

Date: 2009-10-11 07:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
Ledah shook his head.

"...If Fia's possession were already resolved perfectly--if Nessiah were recovered and his relationship with his lover healthy--if you didn't believe I need you--would you take your life, then?" he pressed. "If we are your only reason to live--our situations are temporary no matter how you look at it. Is the only way to keep you alive to make a dependent of myself?"

Date: 2009-10-11 07:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
Meria smiled bitterly. So he wouldn't be put off so easily, huh?

"...I won't deny I've thought about it a few times. I mean--I'm everything but useless, aren't I? I can't do anything but live for myself, because I'm selfish, but that's caused a lot of pain for the only relations I have that care about me. And whenever I tie myself to someone they disappear. If I'm not supporting someone, I'm hurting someone else.

"And just by living I'm always in pain. So when I'm having a bad week--yeah, sometimes I think about ending it. It'd be pretty easy, when things come down to it--you know?

"I don't care too much if I die, but I won't die the way things are. So you can relax for now, at least."

Date: 2009-10-11 07:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
Ledah took a deep breath, then released it. And drew another. He couldn't react to this in anger.

"It would pain me if you died--no matter the circumstances. More, if it were by your own hand... although I'm not sure that will make any sense to you."

Date: 2009-10-11 07:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
"Yeah, well, you're weird." Meria shifted and shrugged. "Everyone else'll admit I'm nothing but trouble. No matter where I am or where I go--that's the one thing I can never get away from. Even when I try to make things better, they only get worse.

"Aside from the handful of friends I have--I'm an unwanted existence that doesn't fit in anywhere. Even if I try to carve a place for myself, I'll be pushing someone else out of theirs.

"So--sometimes I do think it would be better if I just disappeared."

Date: 2009-10-11 07:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
Ledah considered his options, and put a hand on Meria's shoulder. He couldn't berate her for this now--not yet, at least, as he'd wanted her to be honest with him.

"There's something I want to say to you--something that should have been said to you long ago."

Date: 2009-10-11 07:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
Her laugh sounded empty even to her--but she let it go. "Ho boy. This better not be a love confession so late into the game--this would be a weird time for something like that, wouldn't it?"

Date: 2009-10-11 08:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
Ledah paid the rusty joke no mind--she was just diffusing tension in her own way again.

Instead, he stood, stepped closer to the bed, and pulled Meria to his chest, wrapping one arm around her back and the other around her shoulders, resting his hand at the nape of her neck.

".........thank you for being born."

Date: 2009-10-11 09:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com
She couldn't speak. She couldn't do anything, much less protest. The words were--a brutal shock, but it felt like she'd wanted to hear them all the same, which was really damn confusing.

Date: 2009-10-11 09:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solitaryjustice.livejournal.com
Ledah just held on tighter, going by Ursula's example and his old memories.

"...don't disappear. You've barely lived."

Date: 2009-10-11 09:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] igotsdakka.livejournal.com

Her throat tightened and her vision blurred; she gritted her teeth, but the tears refused to be pushed back.

So she gripped the back of Ledah's shirt hard, and gave up. ...It wouldn't be the first time he'd seen her cry.


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